Introduction
Whatever you think about aging is probably wrong.
Even though the things you once thought about old people are now probably about you, you likely had them wrong because no one really tells us what aging is going to be like, possibly because, if we knew, we might kill ourselves. -more below-
Or would we be relieved that sagging skin and cluelessness aren’t just our personal failings?
It is not out of the question that someone, oh, maybe my mom, tried to tell me some of these things, but it is also a good possibility that I just didn’t listen. After all, she was my mom. What could she know? Perhaps if she had said, “Mary! It’s the future calling!” I might have listened. But I doubt it.
I thought I knew what it meant to get older—being wiser seemed like a Good Thing—but I didn’t really understand it. Life isn’t just an accumulation of wisdom as I’d thought, because the ground
keeps shifting. Except for fundamental facts, like gravity, things aren’t static.
What was true today gets turned on its head tomorrow. So any tips for memorizing when it was cheaper to call long distance—a once time-honored money-saving hack—are totally useless now
that we are almost all using mobile phones, and in many situations, the current time and our current location doesn’t matter.
Unless they tell me, I often don’t know where people are and, because I use autodial, I don’t even know the phone numbers of my dearest relatives and friends.
This unfortunate lack of awareness of the realities of aging can lead to curmudgeonism. It takes great strength of character to never say, “I remember when [something, anything] was better before.” It may have indeed been better before, like healthier food, but it also might just be that the fairy dust of memory obscures the negatives. (Remember when we were thrilled that a car lasted 80,000 miles? Now we’re disappointed if it doesn’t last 200,000).
Think about your aunt pinching your cheek and saying, “You look so young!” (This actually happened to me. I was a teenager and knew everything, so it was particularly horrifying.) What I realize now is that, when I see younger people—say a doctor who looks ten years old (whom I affectionately refer to as “Doogies” in honor of Doogie Howser, M.D., the TV show featuring a precocious character who became a doctor at age fourteen), they look so young because I don’t feel as old as I am. They must be ten because I’m only forty-seven (that’s just a shade more than two decades off).
Yes, most of the surprising aspects of aging are a revelation, and sadly most of them suck. A great number are body related. Time will tell if the millennials who practically live at the gym fare better or wear out sooner, but those who have reached “a certain age” are learning our bodies seem to have “best before” dates we weren’t privy to.
Some of it, too, is attitude. If I literally bit my tongue every time I thought things were better before, I’d be speechless, which might make some people happier. Instead, I try to focus on the bright side.
And there is a bright side. While there are many unhappy surprises about getting older, thank goodness the positive ones outweigh those negatives.
I share those saving graces as well as things you can do—or not do, since, after all, you are an adult making your own decisions—to stave off the ravages of aging.
Except for entries based on personal stories, everything has been researched and fact-checked.
I hope the following observations are enlightening, guffaw inducing, and perhaps even worth sharing with others who also are heading into the aging abyss.
I might have done things differently if I’d known—worked out when I was younger, not been so hard on my body, skipped a few rock concerts, and so much more—and the rest I want to laugh about.
So let’s laugh.
Mary Westheimer